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03 May 2008 @ 11:31 pm
 had coffee with an old friend i haven't seen in a few months. well, he had coffee. i had a maple steamer, which is steamed milk and maple syrup with whipped cream on top. it was pretty nice actually, mega sweet but in a comforting and homey type of way. nothing like a remake of old conversations to remind you what's important in life. timing isn't everything, or so they tell me. i believe very little these days. I miss words
18 April 2008 @ 01:29 pm
this is what happens when you love someone from afar.

Echo (Again)

This is where you and I part ways
this, I suppose, is the future.
right there.
maybe we are still the same
you’ll have to give me time to catch up though
I’m a slow learner.

If you were here
Then I would never need to ask you why
because it’d be written all over you face
and I would wish
that we were still the same.
But not the way I always wished before.
I hate being wrong
that part’s true.

There are certain parts of ugliness I like
The sharp unreality of your laugh is one of them.
The knowledge that this love story has a happy ending
but it ends, all the same.
The knowledge that I can stand after that,
that you can.
That you can stand at all
and never know.
and knowing it’s better for both of us,
that way.

The Boy said no. turned away
at the last second
thought about it
for a little while.
Nobody knows that part.
I know. I remember
you know,
I think you know.
But you said yes.
Are you afraid? 

When the time comes, I think I will be.
So I like to think you are too.
I’d like to think you’d be surprised by how much I know,
raise your eyebrows
and said ‘thank you’
like you mean it
when I said you made me smile
and didn’t roll them up
when I said, "I hope it never comes,
for me."
Just squeeze my hand and said that’s all right.
Knowing we’re the same.

08 April 2008 @ 08:48 am

you know that sequence where all of a sudden the endless winter is ending and everything is thawing so fast that it goes from winter to spring to (at long last) summer in a matter of days? that's how i feel. The endless winter has finally lifted, i looked around one day and found green grass at my feet and clear perfect blue above my head and felt DIFFERENT. not sure why. 

It seems to have internalized just as fast. My moods are still swinging like a pendulum, but i blame that on the stress of the move, the knowledge that everything i have worked for is mere weeks away from me, the future is bright and beautiful, but it is the future, after all. Still, I suddenly feel the need to take on new challenges make new connections and bury old bad habits in a grave deep enough that no one will ever find them again. brain is ticking away and all of a sudden, words are coming out again, and a thirst for them has risen. I want access to new books, to new art, new music and films,  and to myself, which feels new and shy, but not afraid, not like before. Much as the hell of Seasonal Affected Disorder has wrought misery onto my life, I will never get tired of the way that it goes away, and i emerge healthy and hopeful every year, just as suddenly as i went under. it almost, almost makes it worth it. I can appreciate my happiness in a way others can't, purely by the reasoning that mine is an impermenant and fluctuating thing. Sometimes, this idea keeps me up at night. but it is always easier to take when the spring comes.

talk of new challenges, i'm doing screnzy this year. the last couple weeks have been difficult, life has been consuming my mornings and it's impossible for me write in the afternoon. i'm hoping screnzy will cure me of this AM dependency of mine, which would be great since when i get to england my mornings will be eaten up by working, most likely. like everything else, you get out what you put in, so i really need to prioritize these days. more on new challenges? the BSSC competition closes the day AFTER i get into england. how's THAT for serendipity? you know what else? i ACTUALLY want to write a short film. i have ideas. not just one, like, 3 ideas, for 3 SEPERATE short films. i've never had an idea for a short film IN MY LIFE, and the year i go to england, the year i finally could enter one of the most prestigious short screenwriting competitions IN THE WORLD, they just come pouring out. I am willing myself not to get too excited here. it remains to be seen whether i can actually write a viable 15 minute film. but the point is, the possibility is now stronger than it's ever been. i've always put far too much stock in the little maybe. now is no exception.  what have i got better?

the screnzy script is moving ridiculously slowly. the sun is too bright and life too inviting to get wrapped up in Sarah and her inner hell. conversely, i know i have to do it now, while my own darkness has past, because like i previously mentioned, the story runs parallel to me in ways i don't like to think about, and if i were as miserable as i needed to be to write the thing, i could never give it the victory ending it deserves. it is like Amanda, but it is not. It doesn't burn as it's going down quite like Amanda did, but it still leaves me dizzy and nauseous as it moves, guilty and shaken and still unwilling, in my own mind, to face certain things, the way Amanda forced me to face them. Still, like with Amanda, there is a dizzyingly guilty pleasure to be found in telling the truth, in hearing myself reflected back at me. Like with Amanda, I hope to walk away from this with more strength and acceptance. I don't know the world the way I used to, but it doesn't mean i can't learn on my own.

had some run-ins with tabi, which baby had to bear the brunt of, sadly enough, but i think that may be over. and with spring coming and my mind occupied with moving and with writing i feel like it's finally time to put the whole thing to rest, like i'm finished making points and it's time to let that go. It's not like i'm not without fault in any of this, but i've been trying to take responsibility for what i am responsible for, and ONLY what i am responsible for, in this and every other aspect of my life. I can't control what other people do, or what other people think i'm responsible for. The only way i can live with myself is to know i'm holding myself to my own standards. some people think those standards are too high, and i'm learning when they are and when they're not. some people think they should be higher, and i'm learning when then too. sometimes my standards won't change, they'll be too high or too low, but that's me, and i live knowing when i've tried my best and when i haven't. now... if only i could learn to say no and mean it, i'd be able to walk the walk. baby steps, as it were.

the point is, it's finally here, and i finally think i'm going to do okay. maybe not great, maybe not yet, but i'm doing good just to know i WILL be doing good, you know?

05 April 2008 @ 10:28 pm

So, for those of you who don't know, i'm attempting Screnzy this year, and i'm doing the Sarah story I came up with ages and ages ago and could never get quite right. it's taking me down a weird path. in it's own way, i think it's going to be more personal than Amanda. anyway, instead of writing the actual screenplay, this happened.

Starving Children, Still

...We all fall down

The earth more barren then I remember


The sun too bright

and cold like winter

like winter, always

And him, with colder eyes

I always knew,

I always knew,

but never for me,

save today

and he said, "why are you here, little one?

Have you grown? Or is it another trick?"

And I said, "yes." and "I’m sorry." and, "there’s nowhere else for me."

"Nowhere else, I think."

He didn’t argue

I stare at the mountains where the angry world used to burn into us

they look like molehills now

walk the beaches where the water is shallow

My footprints long since washed away

and no one to replace them.

They are only faded shadows,

grotesquely long

not solid enough

but I still see myself in them

when I tilt my head just right


step on the stones,

the lava is everywhere

don’t fall in!

Find your way back

Ashes, Ashes...

17 March 2008 @ 08:20 pm

the first book to ever really get into my head was Jean Little's Mine For Keeps when I was probably around 9 or 10 years old. it was the first time I'd ever read about someone else with Cerebral Palasey, so I thought for sure that this book would be able to voice the way I felt, that this character would be comparable to me. It wasn't. In the first or second chapter, the character, Sally, is asked by her parents, to dress herself. Used to having people around to dress her, Sally immediately throws a tantrum and demands her family be more sensitive. How, she asks, is she to manage zippers, buttons and laces on her own? One of her parents, though I can't now remember which one, asked her quite calmly if she'd looked at the clothes, and when she took a close look she realized that there WERE no buttons or zippers or laces or even snaps on the clothes. I remember reading that scene and being horribly disgusted and disappointed in Sally. Not only for her reaction to her family's supposed insensitivity, but to her willingness to accept that she was incapable of something as basic as dressing. I understood, and still understand, where such a thing comes from. I didn't learn to brush my own hair til I was about 11 years old. I only learned because I was at summer camp, and the counsellours were busy with the less able-bodied kids, and honestly, my hair can be a bit like a brillo pad. So I thought maybe I could try. and when I came home after two weeks and showed my mother, she was so excited. over hair for god's sake.

the second book to really get to me, the first book ever to make me cry, was another Jean Little book called From Anna. in it, Anna is the youngest in a family of five, and the family is poor. Anna is legally blind and when her brothers and sisters decide to make christmas gifts for their parents, one of the kids says, "but what will Anna do? she can't make anything. she can't even see, and she's clumsy." and the oldest girl says, "oh don't worry. they wouldn't expect anything from Anna anyway." And Anna is heartbroken, and winds up making a present anyway, and making her brothers and sisters jealous, with help from her school. I understood Anna, as a kid. Anna was outspoken and creative and lived in her own little world, partly because she didn't have a place in this one, and partly because she just liked hers better. Sometimes I read magazine articles about parents deciding invisible friends are unhealthy for kids, that it means they are lonely and unhappy. It always shocks me that it doesn't occur to these so-called child experts, that instead of trying to force the child out into the world, maybe someone should ask what the child wants, and help them to get it, instead of forcing the child to accept that maybe what they want isn't out there.

i don't know why I bothered to explain that, except to say that lately I've been feeling more like Sally every day. Not out loud, because I'm not that kind of girl, but lately I've noticed that I've already figured out all the things I can't do, and people, like Anna's brother's and sisters, have accepted it for what it is. Humans take the path of least resistance every time. if there's nobody pushing you, you don't go anywhere. if there's nothing to remind you you can do more, or you want to do more, you won't. it's not just people with disabilities, although it's easier to see with someone with a disability. there have been people in my life who can't handle their fears, so they just call them limitations, decide they can't do anything about them, and find a way to work around them. and i have cut those people out of my life, not coldly or without regret, but effectively and efficiently. I can't respect people who are able to do that, I guess, partly because I'm biased, because of having to handle things that should not be my responsibility. but i still feel like a hypocrite. because i have done it too, because everyone does it. but i don't want to. so i'm going to talk about them. i'm going to get them out, because I don't like feeling like a hypocrite. because I don't want to be like Sally, who won't even look before deciding she can't handle the world, or like what Susan thinks I should be (when I asked Susan what to do about putting my hair up she said 'cut it off, that's easiest.'). so here goes.

1. everybody thinks because i can go to london by myself that i'm so brave. i'm terrified i'm going to die in this piddly little town, and everyone's going to say how i had such potential, but nobody's really going to be surprised.
2. everyone thinks the reason i don't date is because i'm asexual or because of my cp, but the truth is i'm just not a people person, and i don't want to disappoint someone i care about by not loving them as much as they love me. and i don't want to be insanely in love with someone and not even know it, and i wouldn't know.
3. i'm afraid my whole life will be defined by my CP, so I don't talk about it or think about it, and sometimes I get angry when other people don't think of it, not because I think it's insensitive, but I'm tired of having to defend myself. it's like living in Azkaban, having to replay the worst part of you over and over.
4. everyone thinks i take things like music and movies too seriously, but the truth is i'm just looking for a voice to say the things i can't, for someone that other people admire to finally agree with me.
5. i'm a total sucker and i will give you anything you could want or need. i don't do it because i want something from you, i just hate being useless.
6. sometimes i'm lonely and no one really knows why. i don't want a boyfriend, but it would be nice to be the person that someone thinks about first, just like that. i don't think i'm ever actually going to have that, and truth be told, i wouldn't know what to do if i had it.
7. everyone thinks i'm immature and look young. sometimes i act that way just so someone would look after me, and no one ever does. sometimes i act too mature because i want someone to notice. no one ever does.

so there you go. that's the truth, i'm stunted and fucked like everyone else. but i can say it. and not in a, "this is me, now deal with it" way. i'm working on this stuff, you know? i've been making new friends. I've been challenging myself. And I've been swallowing a lot of things that i used to not be able to handle. a couple weeks ago i worked a night shift by myself for the first time. when someone needed a cot, i got it. when someone needed something fixed, i fixed it. linda and i didn't think i could, but i did, is the thing. i had to, and i did. it's like that line from American Beauty, "it's a great feeling when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself."  and it's true, you know. i don't want to blame my lethargy on the school thing, because some of this stuff has been going on much longer, and some of it has been going on only recently. but someone told me that it would just keep getting harder as i got older, and i let it go, and tossed aside the stuff i decided wasn't worth fighting for. and i'm starting to wonder if maybe i was wrong to do that. i mean, yes, pick your battles, but when you look at it, there's nothing you can really let go of, and keep a clear conscious, knowing that you're doing the best you can, is there? i mean, i know i hold myself to a ridiculous standard, and i'm not saying it's okay for me to try to be pefect, because that's just unhealthy, but pretending you don't care about something just because you don't think you can deal with it is an insult to yourself. and there's enough people already thinking i'm incapable of this that and the other thing, and i don't need to give them an in, now do i?

i'm a good friend, i've been good to the people i love. but i can't be everything to everyone anymore. i accept that as a member of the disabled community, i am incapable of certain things. but the truth is, if all i ever aim for is to be doing good considering, well then i've gone as far as i can go, and i need more then that. i don't think i'm better then anyone else, but there are people in this world that i can't respect, because they have no self-respect of their own, and i can't stomach that. sometimes i get lonely and sometimes i don't like myself. but then, sometimes i'm not, and sometimes i do. i know i do my best to deal with things as they come up, and maybe i don't do as well as i could, but inch by inch i'm getting there.

last year someone asked me if i liked myself, and i realized i didn't know enough about myself to know, either way. nowadays, i'm still not sure if i like myself, but i don't hate myself, and i think i know myself a little better now. i'm getting there, anyway. not everyone's going to like the result, but if i can, eventually, that'll be okay, i think.

some people do, i think.

Current Mood: okayokay
10 March 2008 @ 12:01 am
 i am not the person i have always been, not anymore. i don't know why or when that happened, but i am not. that doesn't scare me as much as it used to but it's still pretty fucking freaky. mostly i just wonder why not or what happened to that other girl. caught myself thinking a lot about things i don't think i've ever thought about in my whole life. thinking about it a lot. and for the last month i've been thinking about things i promised myself i would try never to think about again. wondering if maybe certain things in my life did things to stave those things off, and now that certain things in my life have ended or are reaching their climax, those other things are coming out. still trying to figure out if that's a good way to be or not. this feels like the winter that wouldn't die. every day it matters less that i might never get to where i need to be. it's scaring the hell out of me, but i'm too dulled down to care the way i know i should. stuff skating around in my head. don't know what it is or if it matters, yet. cult thing almost done. seems to have gone by in a blink, even as my rational mind knows it's been almost a year since it started. seems to have gone by much faster then the others. more thinking, less writing in this one, i suppose. makes me feel i made some mistake i'm not going to see.

not that i mind the change any more then usual, but i would like to know who i am now.

"the trouble is this is the real wonderland, and everyone thinks they're alice, and no one really is. it's unfair, but some of us were only ever meant to be cards in a deck, really." i was thinking about jack when i wrote that. i miss thinking about jack.

sometimes, in secret, i wonder what it would be like if i were worth the struggle, to someone, anywhere. sometimes i wonder if i ever was, and maybe i took it too far. i know what that's like, and i wouldn't blame anyone, if that were the case. i know what it's like. i'm sorry, if that's the case.

when the spring comes, we'll be all right, won't we?
Current Mood: confusedconfused

God, I really need to write something. i have all these ideas bouncing off each other, it's like spring's come early. also have to write birthday fics for lovely baby elle who will no longer be a baby. i have promised her 3 fics, 1 marysue, 1 sex pollen and 1 high school au. i have plans for them but nothings written down. also, because it's her eighteenth, she wants porn. GOD i'm bad at porn. she told me i can have a break with the marysue since everyone knows she's all sexually responsible and everything, but sex pollen is sex pollen and high school boys... well they're high school boys, innit? GOD i'm bad at porn.

cult thing is slightly more concrete. i don't think i've had a script give me this much trouble before. i mean, Jack was trouble but it was trouble of a whole different magnitude (NEVER fall in love with your characters kids. NEVER. seriously. it is a relationship that will only lead to pain...literary incest= bad.) i almost have a title though. tentatively I am calling it Everywhere. i kind of like that. gets me all goosebumpy and such. hopefully will write draft 1,796 this week... (okay, it's been slightly less than that. but slightly, only) predictably, everything else starts perking up and my poetry input is nil. i am reminded of Stephen King writing his novellas only after his big novels were over. he said it was like he had this totally different other thing to get out, just shove out all at once, and then start on the aurduous trek to the Next Big Thing. for me it's less that then when i'm not writing my thoughts literally come out in fragmented half-formed bursts and that's how the poems come out. i haven't written in about two months apart from poetry and blogging, but i think i'm about a day and a half from starting up again, thank GOD.

there's this thing that's been sort of floating there for the last couple weeks. when i first got the idea i thought it would be a bit of a jokey thing to do, but the way it came upon me was so sinister and dark that i couldn't do that. then i thought maybe a fanfiction, since it was sort of based on something to do with the band boys, but it's got such a different flavour to it. i don't know though, if there's enough there for an actual screenplay. my doubtful little mind is saying "no, no. just try it. it'll fall apart and you can forget the whole thing..." but my gut is saying, "something's there, something's there, there's got to be a way. not yet. give it time." but it deals rather insensitively with asexuality. god, the nightmare of writing Amanda all over again. i don't want to offend the asexuals, because i am one, and i don't want the sexual community to go "see how fucked up it is?" and i don't want to alienate the sexuals by taking them somewhere THEY don't want to go either because, hi majority. also, i'm just not sure there's enough story in it for it to be anything but making a statement, and considering the connotations and the images in my head, that is NOT a statement i want to be making, as an asexual or as a woman or as anything really. God why the hell does message have to be so important in the art world? nobody ever gets it right anyway, so why do we have to try so damn hard? ah well. if it knocks any harder the story will be there eventually and if not it'll just be like all the others and sit and grow tenticles and wrap itself around some other idea and i can just do it then. my brain is a wonderful fucked up little hideyhole. it's really a shame my fingers won't cooperate!

14 February 2008 @ 03:55 pm
 so the other day, i was hanging with rebecca. i'm her peer helper, and we get together once or twice a week to talk about her future plans and whatever she's feeling like shit about, have coffee, window shop and generally make each other laugh. honestly, she's the sweetest thing i've ever met, despite the fact that she's a total christian and i sometimes have to bite my tongue a little bit around her (and we all know how i hate that.) anyway, one of the things that i've got her started on that i'm really proud of is fan fiction. the thing is, she has a psychosis. so sometimes she engages in these rich fantasies as it is, which isn't entirely healthy. to curb that she writes stories with herself as the main character and draws pictures of the things she thinks about, things like that. so in my infinite peer helper wisdom at one point i suggested fanfic, and she totally adores it. she's recently completed a story about herself and willy wonka (the Johnny Depp version, which i suppose is less creepy, tho not to me because... ew, seriously) but it was adorable and everything and i kind of liked it, so i finished reading it and she asked me to tell her what i really thought of it. which is always a minefield. but i told her the truth. i said it's got all the elements of a really good story, that she obviously understands what she's writing and seemed to really like writing it and that was important, but then i said the bad part.

"rebecca," i said, "you have so many good plot devices going on here, you have prayers from your church, a brain tumour, a miraculous recovery, and a budding love story. you could do so much with this story and you chickened out and glossed over it." and she took it really well. she said that her teacher had really wanted her to wrap it up so she wasn't able to do all the things that she wanted to. and i kind of went all out. i told her that she couldn't be afraid to get down in there, couldn't be afraid of how long or how big the story was or what it did when it sort of went out of control, that she could be a really great writer if she really pushed the envelope and made things the way she saw them instead of doing the shorthand version and she looked at me with this amazed look on her face and said, "you could teach a class on this."

i couldn't, of course, and generally speaking i'm shit at taking my own advice but that spark, that need to get it out there, to explain to someone how important it was to tell the story, to tell it right, and to be yourself when you did it, to feel that and to feel someone UNDERSTAND that is a fucking beautiful thing. it's been so long since i really felt like myself, you know? and not just because of the not writing and not just because of the stuff that's been going down, but because i always feel the need to explain myself, to make people understand why i am the way i am and to not misconstrue things or see things that aren't there so they can ignore the things that are. i do so much to dumb myself down, because i have this idea that other people can't feel the way i can, not that they're dumber, but that if i don't explain it in some way more ordinary that they wouldn't be able to sympathise, that i would be on my own. but i CAN'T dumb this down, not this of all things because it's the important thing, there isn't anything that means more than those words and the reality of how much they mean to me.

i've spent my life lonely and miserable because i was convinced that the only things i wanted in the world weren't real, and talking to her, having someone who has missed out on so much understand, if not the ideas, how important the ideas WERE was like a shove. a friendly shove, the kind you get from your friends, the ones who ruefully tell you you're an asshole and try not to smile. it was like someone saying, "quit your bitching, okay? because this is real and it does mean something and you're a self-centred moron if you think you're the only person in the world to figure that out."

i don't actually know what, if anything, knowing that will change. i still don't know if i'll be able to write anything worthwhile til spring, but knowing that i know enough to help someone, that this is my thing, not just some hobby (because it's supposed to be the #1 hobby in the world, you know, everyone thinks they can do it.) is nice. it's not like i didn't already know i had something that other people didn't, i learned that when i was fifteen. but to know that after everything else that's gone horribly wrong, for all the opportunities i miss and the hell i put myself through, that it still means enough, that i'm still secure enough to share it, to want others to feel that way, to check the note of awe and jealousy when they can't... i don't know.

luke wants to write because he thinks it will make him rich and respected and give him something to do. for the last two years i've been trying to make a real go of it. i've been trying to treat it as a job. which means sometimes i hate it. and no, it hasn't escaped me that it makes me a better person, that it still makes me feel whole and real and like i've accomplished something and like what i'm doing matters... but sometimes i hate it. and sometimes i wonder what the hell i'm doing, and what kind of rights i have to think i can do it, and know it's not going to amount to anything, it's going to be another one in the bottom of a shoebox. and then my dad says how i'm not a real writer until i make money and it's not like i don't THINK about it, that glamourous life of meeting with producers and actually getting things done and actually making money, enough money at least that i don't have to worry every time i want to buy a DVD and concert tickets in the same month or two.

i guess what i'm saying is it's nice to know that in spite of how horrible it sometimes can be, especially in winter, and in spite of what people think of me, and of it, and in spite of having to defend myself, and being up and down like a yoyo on the whole thing virtually all the time, it's nice to know that it's not about that, that it's NEVER about that, even when that slips in and you catch yourself imagining cruising LA and vacationing in exotic places. even when i can't do it, when i slip and fall and hate myself and sabotage myself, that i still love it just as i always have and just as i always will, and i don't always have to explain that, that some people see me as the person i am, whether i want them to or not, whether i'm ready for them or not.

that's something i have to learn to swallow i guess. some people get it, some people don't. some people will understand me, and some people won't. and all i need to do is stop trying to be a writer and keep writing, because i am. i know i am, and the rest of the world doesn't mean half what knowing that does to me. i'm sorry if that makes me a bad person, but i'm not sorry i have it as much as i am knowing some people don't.

Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
14 February 2008 @ 02:06 pm
 ugh. stupid frilly pink heart day. my hate of thee...

you know, i hate being single and openly despising valentines day. because when you're single and you hate valentines day people look at you like "oh you poor little unloved thing! if only you had someone to love you you could partake in all the ridiculous tackiness of the holiday and you wouldn't even realize how stupid it was!" you know what i mean? mind you, if i had a boyfriend and hated valentines day, then i might actually be forced to put up with all this shit so... tradeoff.

i'm not a valentine scrooge though, really. my little nephew has bought me a valentine, which is too sweet because he's way into it. my little foster sister has her first little boyfriend, which she's been keeping 'secret' quite well until my mother told her valentines was only for girls with boyfriends and why on earth was she so excited and demanded to know who her boyfriend was, and since she has no real gile of her own, natasha didn't notice she was kidding, and burst out among embarrassed giggles that YES, she had a boyfriend. now come on, that's just adorable. i love kids and valentines and little pink cupcakes and little cards and buying silly stuffed animals that any grown human would HATE but kids just think is the greatest thing ever.

BUT... oh boy.

seriously, i had this friend? who was breaking up with her boyfriend, and he asked her 'please don't do it before valentines. let me spend one more valentines day with you.' so she did. (stupid.) and you know what he did? he bought her like, a ton of presents, a necklace and a ring to 'remember' him by, a teddy bear, a box of chocolates, a box of those cinnamon hearts which i hate but which are all over around valentines day... and then SHE had to get him something. she was breaking up with him! i mean seriously, what's this, "thanks for giving it a shot, you don't get the prize, but here are some lovely parting gifts?" i mean fuck. and then like, my brother, moron that he is, asks his girlfriend to marry him on valentines, which, number one, is tacky and unoriginal, and number two, said idiot brother goes ahead and CHEATS on his fiancee and she dumps him. now how much is valentines day going to suck for her from now on? i mean honestly. because it doesn't matter if she scores Prince Charming, every year when he does whatever he plans to do on valentines day, she's going to remember my idiot brother and his stupid unoriginal proposal that didn't work out. and i mean, lets look at it from the most basic point of view. WHAT is so romantic about FORCING someone to be romantic and compete with all the other people being FORCED to be romantic? Valentines Day isn't about romance. it's about obligation. and a competitive one at that.

you know what's romantic? i have this other friend right? he HATES valentines, and his girlfriend loves it. but he never knows what to do because it's all ridiculous and tacky and stuff. so they have this baby girl who's like a year old, and what they do is they buy HER valentines. he's happy, because babies don't really hate like, anything, and she's happy because she gets to spend a nice quiet night with her happy boyfriend and a very spoiled baby. compromise and sacrifice are bloody romantic, and nobody feels obligated to do anything, because it's not like he wouldn't spoil the kid anyway.

if i had a boyfriend (read: if hell froze over and i went brain-dead) the most romantic thing he could do would be to ignore the whole holiday. or like, get some of those store-bought cards that little kids hand out, if you really feel like you have to do something. seriously. no presents, no lingerie, no pink lacey pillows or garish stuffed animals or faux-satin boxes of chocolate (although i do love going into lara secord AFTER valentines day and stocking up because seriously? discount chocolate? no bad there) just a card, just enough to say "i love you the same as i love you every day, but i'm not going to waste my time money or energy coming up with ways to prove it to you because i don't really need to, but i'm thinking of you anyway." only perhaps more grammatically sound. i'm almost glad i'm working today. except it's skate canada day. yikes!
Current Mood: bitchybitchy
26 January 2008 @ 07:55 pm

okay, so i'm about to write the biggest blog ever in my life because the concert was SO MUCH AWESOME HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS!!! but like, a lot of stuff had to happen, and it's all kind of confusing. so here goes. right, i woke up early all excited and rebecca got sick (dammit) and so we didn't actually GET to the venue til like 5 minutes before the doors open, and she had some errands to run and so just dropped me off, so she could sit in the back and stuff. damn again. so anyway, there i am in line and behind me are these girls who i just inserted myself into their conversation (i love this fandom! cuz you can totally do that!) and we're waiting and waiting and we finally get up near the doors and i'm freaking out thinking GOD I'M GOING TO HAVE SUCH A SHIT VIEW, and i had only brought shitty disposable cameras because i stupidly forgot my camera. and the cold and ohmygod the pain you guys, and i kept trying to block it out, you know, and i started getting nauseaous, like i do and i'm going, "oh HELL no." and trying to block THAT out, so i'm making it worse, so finally, my ears started getting fuzzy and i just go, internally, "fuck it." close my eyes and...

the next thing i remember is the taste of sidewalk salt and these kids in behind me going, "dude, what happened? who's she with? is she having a seizure?" yeah, i ACTUALLY passed out. so i get up and i'm all embarrassed, and everybody's asking me what's wrong and all i can say is, "circulation... pain... i just need..." and then we're going in. so i ended up having to sit for a while, which means i ended up further back then i would have liked. and seriously, stuff stopped sucking almost as soon as We The Kings came on. 

has anyone ever SEEN them live? they are so much awesome. do you know what i love? i love that they were the OPENING opening band, and the whole fucking crowd knew every single one of the songs they played. Travis said jump, and the freaking floor SHOOK you guys. AND I GOT THEIR ALBUM!!! it is so amazing. You cannot even IMAGINE the amazing. You must hear it!

Anyway, after them was Metro Station who... well they didn’t suck or anything, it’s just that there was this fucking annoying scene kid making a scene with his idiot friends, who kept shoving each other around so they could get more space, and they knocked me into this guy like 3 times because of course I couldn’t keep my balance, so i spent that whole portion sort of cowering and trying to resist the urge to trip the sonofabitch. They’re pretty good though, and not bad looking. Was pissed that the Cab was ill tho. They’re sort of decayDance mystery band, I’ve only heard three of their songs and finally get a chance to see them live and they’re sick! Or injured, i think someone was, that band is so confusing, what with their being 3 alexs and all. (Speaking of Alex... I’ll explain in a minute) so anyway, spent Metro Stations set cowering and generally being pissed off, and then... waiting waiting waiting...

Fortunately, annoying scene kid was further up ahead now (fucker) and I was able to see the show. And OHMYFUCKINGGOD. I seriously cannot describe for people who haven’t seen it. Here’s a clue. I love Ryland Blackington, so so very much and yet I COULD NOT FUCKING TAKE MY EYES OFF GABE FOR LIKE AN HOUR! Seriously, that man is I don’t even know on stage. He’s just so expressive and such a ham and just awesome. There was this moment that I swear was right out of a cultverse fic. He’s just looking out at the stage and holds his arms out, like, basking in adoration (the place was going nuts!) And then his arms go up and he’s got his fangs up and I looked around and everyone was giving it right back to him, including me and I just thought, "man, we are so completely fucked here." I seriously think that’s why Midtown didn’t work out for him. Because when Gabe tells you you should be depressed, you end up depressed and can’t come to a show. And when Gabe says FANGS UP you fucking DO IT okay? he’s just way to charismatic to pull of miserable, that’s what I think.

Talk of charisma, VickyT is so ridiculously pretty! I swear they named the tour after just her. Cuz as much as I could not look away from gabe and his creepy-sexy eyes, I am not blind, and every time victoria smiled my brain went like, "mmm, gabe whonow?" seriously you guys, i wish i was a boy. Or gay, either would work. I wish I could fully appreciate the hot, but ohmygod so PRETTY! So stupidly ridiculously PRETTY she is... also, she has to be made of like, stone or something, because gabe literally, in his own words "licked the fuck out of her neck." and seriously, if I had that nibbling on my ear every night, even I’d change my mind. WHY is there no het on the two of them? Seriously you guys! So hot! Somebody write me something, fuck! And every time someone would yell "we love you vickyt!" her face would just BEAM and like, what’s not to love seriously? I HAVE INSANE LOVE FOR HER!!! AND HER FREAKING KEYTAR!!!! also, she was standing next to alex, and you know what? Those two should also hook up in a fic somewhere. And have babies. Seriously, good genes. (And then alex can be the man in a fic and stop bitching... no he can’t, because VickyT could still kick his ass BECAUSE SHE IS SO AWESOME!!!!)

Oh yes, Alex, right. See, something seems to have occurred which I did not anticipate. In that, in actual fact, Alex Suarez is actually REALLYFUCKINGHOTOMG. When did this happen? I don’t remember this happening! I remember looking at him and going, "n’awww how cute is he! I want to hug him!" and I remember thinking he was awesomely hilarious when I found out he read slash (even funnier than gabe calling them love stories oh god.) But I do not remember when the smoking fucking HOT happened. Nevertheless it has, and Alex Suarez is one seriously sexy motherfucker (I don’t know, I don’t know!) And I am in actual fact in love with the whole damn band now, which sucks and also makes me look about 12 years old, it’s like playing Kiss Shag or Marry the whole time you’re watching, my god. And we all know who I’d marry...

RYLAND WAS HEADBANGING! It was so cool! Also, he’s funny, bonus! I don’t understand why Ryland is on one side of the stage and Alex was on another, given that they are bff and all, but I had a perfect view of both of them because I was on the Alex-side, and Ryland is freakishly awesomely tall, so I got to see Ryland rocking out and HE IS SO AWESOME! I told everyone I am totally going to marry him. and I will say it again I AM SO GOING TO MARRY RYLAND BLACKINGTON (only he doesn’t know it yet. Man, I hope he doesn’t have a gf who’s going to kick his ass now that we are engaged. Hey! Ryland’s possible girlfriend! It’s okay, I’m actually just a weird stalker fan who wants to steal him away from you. I haven’t... yet. Maybe he doesn’t have a gf and then I am talking to myself. Which would be crazy except aha! Now the way is clear!) Seriously Ryland, marry me, kay?

I feel bad for Nate though, cuz i couldn’t really see him where i was. I could BARELY see victoria, so i don’t know how many good pictures i got. DAMMIT cuz she’s so pretty... but i KNOW i didn’t get any of nate, which sucks. Poor nate gets no love! The drummer from Metro Station was in plain view but I don’t know, maybe it was the light. Maybe I got shots of Nate and didn’t even notice. Oh well anyway I’m pretty sure he rocked too because the whole thing was just that awesome!

And they played two accoustic songs. They played Pop Punk Is Sooo ‘05, which is my FAVORITE from the first album, and which they NEVER play and it was awesome, and Gabe played guitar (hamming it up and pretending to be embarrassed like he didn’t know how to play) and Being From Jersey Means Never Having To Say Your Sorry, and mentioned Midtown when he did it. He’s so cute too, he was like, "i have never got this much love as i have in Cobra Starship." (Mind, he was also talking about wanting love from all the moms in the audience, less than cute, but it DOES make me want to go out and get knocked up, y’know?)

So the show was AWESOME, and i really wanted to get awesome merch, but they were out of cobra rings and the Kiss My Sass hoodie was like $50 which i tragically didn’t have on me in cash, fuck. I got buttons, which were bonus, cheap, but not nearly as cool as the ring would have been (i could have bought a bartskull necklace and hung it on, how perfect would that be?) I hugged Travis from We The Kings, and gushed over his awesomeness. He was pleased, although I think a bit weirded out, cuz I had nothing else to say to him except, "ohmygod the awesome!" Then got out and got hopelessly lost because rebecca and i were seperated. Ray had to come and find me and I totally wanted to gush forever, but Rebecca totally didn’t understand the awesome of the Cobra (again, dammit). So no gushing, and we had dinner and went home and chatted a bit and went to sleep, so no time to compose blogs, either. And when i got home? I realized MY CAMERA WAS MISSING!!!! how shit is that? I have had rebecca looking for it, but so far, no luck.

Point is tho, in spite of all obstacles, it was AWESOME and i can’t wait to see them again! And again! And again and again! They are that freaking awesome! That is all.

In case I missed it, here are my top five favorite parts, in no particular order.

1. we get to the venue, and rebecca sees them lined up around the BLOCK and goes, "all this for Cobra Starship?" i find it adorable that she remains totally clueless about any of this, despite the fact that we have almost everything else in common.

2. i could have seen wrong, being further back then i would have liked, but i would almost swear one of those techs was wearing a Clan hoodie. Pete Wentz you guys! The real cultmaster!

3. Gabe’s total cultmaster face, standing on stage, lord of all he surveys, fangs proudly on display. He means those fangs you guys! And the weird thing is? He makes me mean them too! And whole rooms of people!

4. Victoria Asher’s smile. That’s all.

5. RYLAND FUCKING BLACKINGTON. Honestly, he is my future husband. Except like, he’s really tall. I’d have to get a step ladder.

6. Travis says, "Okay this is too cool. That girl over there just said ‘Travis I want your baby’ and i swear the one next to her just said, ‘I just want your crotch.’" I don’t honestly know, but it was the funniest thing ever.

7. I woke from my faint and asked if I had hit my head. Guy standing behind me said, "no, you landed on me." seven people let me ahead of them in line while i inched along, recovering, and once inside the club, i sat down and a strange girl asked me if i was okay. Then she goes, "Well obviously I guess, you’re here." seriously! People care! It makes me warm and fuzzy.

8. Gabe brings a girl up on stage and graciously lets her do the rap from Snakes on a Plane (and she was really good too!)

9. After the accoustic set, Gabe says they are bringing the sex back onto the stage, and then immediately calls for Victoria. Seriously! The het! Where is it?

10. Ryland hands his guitar to Gabe, all dramatic-sacrifice looking and goes, "take it, Gabe. Please." You had to see it to know how adorable it was. RYLAND!!!

11. The unexpected sexiness of Alex Suarez. Seriously guys, i know his name is hot but did he always look like that, or is this just because I’ve recently found out he can cook?

12. Gabe proclaiming his love for Gwen Stefani.

13. I CAUGHT CONFETTI! Okay, well no, not out of the air or anything, but i have it. it’s on my fridge!

14. They played my two favorite songs! Pop Punk... from the first and The World Has It’s Shine... from the second!

15. Gabe wishing happy birthday to a bunch of people. Like, not even just once, at LEAST three times.

And just like, every minute i happen to have missed? Would qualify as a favorite. Honestly, if you haven’t seen them live, you can’t even call yourself a fan. They are on a whole different plain live. Go see!

Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Current Music: Prostitution Is The World's Oldest Profession - Cobra Starship