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03 January 2010 @ 06:00 pm
I am not dead  
So... wow. I have not written in quite some time. a lot has happened. London has happened, and then finished. The thing about me and blogs is... I'm not very good at them. This is okay, since the only person who reads my blogs anyway, is Toby, and I talk to him every day anyway. BUT. I want to make changes. Last year, I set out to do and experience amazing things. and I wound up right back where I started from. That's okay, I've made my peace with that. I returned from London, and I didn't fall apart into a million shattered pieces, which is, frankly, more than I expected when I set out on my little adventure. More than that, I learned a few things.

Last year, I set out to write a top ten list about all the things I learned that year, and I never finished it. Like I don't finish a lot of things, but mostly because that was an especially trying year for me. I learned a lot of things, but it all sort of circled around everything. 2009, i got organized. After coming back from England, I wrote down all the things I wanted, and started working on them. Some things consistently fell by the wayside, and some things I worked hard to keep them going, and some things, I let them go. This year, most of what I learned, came from within. The mistake I made last year was I had no idea what to do, after I failed. I knew that eventually I would have to fail, by necessity, but I had no idea when or how. It's not so much that I needed a backup plan, I had that, or I wouldn't have ended up right back where I started. This year, I learned about the things that could still hurt me. The things I was still afraid of, ashamed of, or bitter about, and I could do that because, for the first time, even though I failed, I had succeeded. I set out to do something amazing. And I did it. Not amazing by the standards of what I'm supposed to be capable of, but amazing by the standards I set for myself. Not what I wanted, but finally, SOMETHING I worked for.

So I am setting new goals. This year, if all goes well, I will be going back to school. If it goes better, I will sell something, but that's a bit of a desperate hope, and I accept that. Part of all of this has been learning to accept that some things are not about what I am or am not capable of. At any rate, I will not end the year in the same place I started out in, not this time. I have a total of 10 new resolutions, 4 of which involve writing. Well, technically six. I've promised to read more and watch more movies. So that I can be a better writer. "Everywhere" taught me a lot about the writer I really am, but there is quite a bit to go before I can tackle the things I dream of tackling. I have a long way to go to become the writer I want to be. And since the writer I want to be stands side-by-side with the person I want to be, both those things have to improve concurrently.

So I have goals for my inside self too. One of those goals is I want to continue writing in this blog, at least once a week. Not about the stuff I usually write about, that is, my day to day experiences. But about important things, or pseudo-important things, that I think about and plan. Not that I think anyone will know or care the difference, but it's important to me. What happens is this: When I'm writing, stuff comes out. When stuff comes out, the clock keeps ticking, my feet keep moving, the world keeps turning. But when I am not writing, the stuff doesn't come out. It swirls around and around in my head, like when juice goes bad and all the fungus stuff floats to the top. And then I don't sleep. and then it gets worse, and it spins faster and faster, and it makes me unable to move. and the longer I don't move, the harder it is to get going again. So this will be the place I come to wash out the spoiled bits. Another of my ten resolutions is to become a practicing Witch. I have no idea how to go about doing that, so this year will be the Year of the Witch, and a lot of what I'm writing here will hopefully be about that. I say hopefully because I'm hoping it's not about the spoils and poisons, and more about my spiritual and personal quests respectively.

Once upon a time I looked into a mirror, and I couldn't see myself in it. So I made a self up. She left faint footprints. And I can't wait any longer til I grow into them. Time to walk them, stumbling and crooked, to wherever she is, to wherever I really am. And in the age of self-absorption, I might as well record it. In case someday, someone cares. Or I do, anyway.
 
 
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