I can totally blame

hikarinotabi

I grew up not thinking much about my disability, and trying to make myself as able-bodied as possible. Admirable I’m sure, to all you able-bodied people, but my disabled friends will be rolling their eyes at me right about now. Anyway, to that end, I wrote a list of what I would have to look forward to as an able bodied person. I have left out the physical complications the average disabled person needs to endure (physical therapy, childhood teasing, surgeries, etc) which sadly cannot be helped, and instead focused on the social structures in place, in particular the more ‘forgivable’ forms of discrimination, the people who ‘gosh darn it are only trying to be nice’. This is by no means a complete list, and I assure you everything on this list is true for me, or for someone I know personally. And yes, I am aware that in the cases of severe disability, some of these things can’t be helped. I hope those of you who had that ready realized what an excuse it sounded like, as most of the people with more severe disabilities are unable to adequately express whether or not they are aware of the discrimination against them. This is not a rhetorical case of ‘if the person being discriminated against doesn’t know, does it still count as a negative thing.’ I’m here telling you we do know. For those of you willing to listen, I appreciate it. I am an optimist, and believe it’s only ignorance that keeps these in practice. I hope things can change. If I am wrong about my assumptions, or you would like to correct or discuss something, please feel free to comment. This is the life I have seen from my siblings or able-bodied friends. I am not here to make accusations. So here goes:


For Want of A Better Title: Unpacking The Able-Bodied Priviledge Knapsack (Or Having It Unpacked For Us)

So, okay, I have a confession: I'm a bad widdle asexual. I don't spend my time on the AVEN boards, although i do go on there occasionally when I have to deal with something that is completely alien to my well-meaning but ultimately clueless sexual friends. I do not own the T-shirt (and yes, there are T-shirts). and I do lust (er- sort of?) after pinup boys. MY version of a pinup boy may vary slightly from the norm, in that i don't actually really have to LOOK at him to fall for him, and my version of lusting has more handholding and kissing, and absolutely no nakedness, but other than that, it's not that different. On top of that, unlike other asexuals, many who proclaim they are trying to find love and relationships and all the things other people want, I am not. I am both asexual (by orientation) and aromantic (by choice). I am, I am proud to say, a rare and frustrating breed.

I have no desire to ever get married either, but these reasons are seperate from the reasons why i won't date. While the reasons I don't date are personal, the reason I will never marry are very political. It's just too much fuss made over something that, in the long run, means very little. Observe.

1. people who get married are offered certain breaks, monetary and otherwise, simply because they are considered as a UNIT, despite the fact that well over half of the marriages in the world end in divorce. I find it fascinating how the social stigma surrounding divorce has dissipiated, but the stigma of young single mothers has not. Lets do the math here people, how much sense does that really make? My family, for instance, are well aware of my eventual plans to be artificially inseminated. My father is completely disgusted by the idea. He says, and I quote, "It's one thing if something happens or the parents split up or something, but to bring a child into this world without two parents, that's not even a real family." Stop and think about that for a second. We live in the 21st century and there are still people under the age of 50 who believe it's better a child go through the possible hell of an eventual ugly divorce, then it is to bring a child into this world with one stable, loving parent who is willing to work twice as hard to give the child everything possible. I guess it's like art then. Family's only real if you're suffering together.

2. there are people in the world who wish to celebrate their love like every other human being by being granted the choice to marry or not, and are denied that choice, and the benefits that come with it. Yes, I know, in Canada we legalized gay marriage, and yes, it's spreading, but the words Civil Union, Same-Sex partnership et al just sound cold and horrible. Conversely, two people who live together for a year, share a bed, but have no intentions of ever marrying, are granted those benefits and the title of Common-Law MARRIAGE. I know, I know, semantics, but believe me, connotations matter. Marriage is supposed to be about love, but apparently, it's more about sex, and which forms of it are and are not appropriate. Which brings me to

3. Our society values sex more than love. Marriage means nothing. See, I totally am secretly a romantic. No, not really. But I mean, look at Britney's famed 72-hour marriage. "It was just something to do. we wanted to do something crazy." Or something a little less tabloid-riffic. Someone I know was engaged to be married by the age of 21. yes, the engagment was a mistake, and yes, eventually they called it off. The point is though that someone else I know felt it nesascery to stick her nose in and say, "i wouldn't want to be married by 21. you'd just end up divorced. and probably get remarried... and i mean who'd want to say they'd been married four times." Now, this particular girl did not have the best judgement when it came to men, so I kind of found it silly for her to be commenting. so i said, "you've slept with at least four men already. wouldn't you rather say you'd fallen in love and been stupid four times then that you were bored and horny with four people you don't give a damn about?" and she got upset and responded, "that's different! everybody does that, except you." now, maybe she was just defensive and I overstepped. maybe my A is showing and i just really don't understand (i hear that a lot). but honestly. if marriage is so sacred that we can't let the gays in to muck it up, as the homophobic politicos would have us believe, or so important that it requires careful scheming er, planning, so says every woman's magazine ever written, (and while we're on the subject, just so you know, the man of my dreams would see through all that manipulative crap. UGH that's just creepy and demeaning for both sexes.) then why has it been demoted to shacking up and being 'married' by technicality, or driving out to a city with an all night casino with a few of your drunken buddies? it takes a year or more to finalize a divorce. You want to convince me marriage is important and sacred, pass a law that requires a marriage be tested and finalized in the same way. because like I said, this is the 21st century, and those old arguments are getting weaker by the day.

4. Marriage requires obligation far beyond the regular compromises in a relationship. No seriously. Think about it. We may no longer live in a society where Man goes off to provide for Family and Woman stays home and minds Children, though that's more of an economical problem then anything else, since it's simply not feasible for most parents to raise children on a single salary. But there's the fact that a woman still usually takes a mans name when they're married, and therefore is expected to insert herself into HIS family. A popular modern trend is to take both names, and give the child a double name, but some people still see that as disrespectful. i told my father if hell ever froze over and i got married, i would keep my own name (his name, incidentally) and he responded by telling me how disappointed he would be to have raised his daughter to be so disrespectful. 
It goes further. Did you know you can legally annul a marriage if it is never consummated? not even grounds for divorce, just, "this was not a real marriage, there was no sex." as an asexual, this whole concept disgusts me. i have met many asexuals through AVEN who are in happy marriages and THERE IS NO SEX. should one of those people become angry with the other, i doubt they would call for an anullment BECAUSE there was no sex, because they kind of knew that going in. BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE KINDS OF THINGS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED! now, if you're with someone for a number of years, and they have sexual issues that you can't work through, and you decide you can't handle it and bolt, at LEAST give them the courtesy of, "we made a mistake, i can't do this anymore, i want out." an anullment is exactly what it says: null. NOTHING. as in, "you were not want i wanted, ergo, you were nothing." is it worth it to do that? over SEX? the fact that people do is wrong enough. the fact that it's legal is abhorrent. I'm sorry, once again, I'm asexual, I know nothing on how important sex is, or is supposed to be, but that just seems sick to me. Take it from someone who knows, you can love someone just as hard and just as much without ever even wanting to have sex.

Bottom line, marriage is misguided. It's old-fashioned and obsolete and people only do it to fullfill some obligation, financial, familial, sociological, or to entertain some fantasy of being 'stable' or running around playing house all day. I'm not bitter or jaded* (cynical i am, but that's another tale for another day), but people want people to get married for no other reason than that they believe eventually people SHOULD be married. Nobody really cares about marriage.I want no part in it. It has nothing to do with love, and is simply a legal proceedure to tie you to another person, and his or her lifestyle/family/finances/influence for as long as you both see fit.

i may be an aromantic asexual and have no idea what i'm talking about, but from this end, it doesn't look worth much.

* my parents have been married for almost twenty-four years. They are very happy and very much in love. Translation: I am not the product of a bad marriage.

you know that sequence where all of a sudden the endless winter is ending and everything is thawing so fast that it goes from winter to spring to (at long last) summer in a matter of days? that's how i feel. The endless winter has finally lifted, i looked around one day and found green grass at my feet and clear perfect blue above my head and felt DIFFERENT. not sure why. 

It seems to have internalized just as fast. My moods are still swinging like a pendulum, but i blame that on the stress of the move, the knowledge that everything i have worked for is mere weeks away from me, the future is bright and beautiful, but it is the future, after all. Still, I suddenly feel the need to take on new challenges make new connections and bury old bad habits in a grave deep enough that no one will ever find them again. brain is ticking away and all of a sudden, words are coming out again, and a thirst for them has risen. I want access to new books, to new art, new music and films,  and to myself, which feels new and shy, but not afraid, not like before. Much as the hell of Seasonal Affected Disorder has wrought misery onto my life, I will never get tired of the way that it goes away, and i emerge healthy and hopeful every year, just as suddenly as i went under. it almost, almost makes it worth it. I can appreciate my happiness in a way others can't, purely by the reasoning that mine is an impermenant and fluctuating thing. Sometimes, this idea keeps me up at night. but it is always easier to take when the spring comes.

talk of new challenges, i'm doing screnzy this year. the last couple weeks have been difficult, life has been consuming my mornings and it's impossible for me write in the afternoon. i'm hoping screnzy will cure me of this AM dependency of mine, which would be great since when i get to england my mornings will be eaten up by working, most likely. like everything else, you get out what you put in, so i really need to prioritize these days. more on new challenges? the BSSC competition closes the day AFTER i get into england. how's THAT for serendipity? you know what else? i ACTUALLY want to write a short film. i have ideas. not just one, like, 3 ideas, for 3 SEPERATE short films. i've never had an idea for a short film IN MY LIFE, and the year i go to england, the year i finally could enter one of the most prestigious short screenwriting competitions IN THE WORLD, they just come pouring out. I am willing myself not to get too excited here. it remains to be seen whether i can actually write a viable 15 minute film. but the point is, the possibility is now stronger than it's ever been. i've always put far too much stock in the little maybe. now is no exception.  what have i got better?

the screnzy script is moving ridiculously slowly. the sun is too bright and life too inviting to get wrapped up in Sarah and her inner hell. conversely, i know i have to do it now, while my own darkness has past, because like i previously mentioned, the story runs parallel to me in ways i don't like to think about, and if i were as miserable as i needed to be to write the thing, i could never give it the victory ending it deserves. it is like Amanda, but it is not. It doesn't burn as it's going down quite like Amanda did, but it still leaves me dizzy and nauseous as it moves, guilty and shaken and still unwilling, in my own mind, to face certain things, the way Amanda forced me to face them. Still, like with Amanda, there is a dizzyingly guilty pleasure to be found in telling the truth, in hearing myself reflected back at me. Like with Amanda, I hope to walk away from this with more strength and acceptance. I don't know the world the way I used to, but it doesn't mean i can't learn on my own.

had some run-ins with tabi, which baby had to bear the brunt of, sadly enough, but i think that may be over. and with spring coming and my mind occupied with moving and with writing i feel like it's finally time to put the whole thing to rest, like i'm finished making points and it's time to let that go. It's not like i'm not without fault in any of this, but i've been trying to take responsibility for what i am responsible for, and ONLY what i am responsible for, in this and every other aspect of my life. I can't control what other people do, or what other people think i'm responsible for. The only way i can live with myself is to know i'm holding myself to my own standards. some people think those standards are too high, and i'm learning when they are and when they're not. some people think they should be higher, and i'm learning when then too. sometimes my standards won't change, they'll be too high or too low, but that's me, and i live knowing when i've tried my best and when i haven't. now... if only i could learn to say no and mean it, i'd be able to walk the walk. baby steps, as it were.

the point is, it's finally here, and i finally think i'm going to do okay. maybe not great, maybe not yet, but i'm doing good just to know i WILL be doing good, you know?

So, for those of you who don't know, i'm attempting Screnzy this year, and i'm doing the Sarah story I came up with ages and ages ago and could never get quite right. it's taking me down a weird path. in it's own way, i think it's going to be more personal than Amanda. anyway, instead of writing the actual screenplay, this happened.

Starving Children, Still

...We all fall down

The earth more barren then I remember

here

The sun too bright

and cold like winter

like winter, always

And him, with colder eyes

I always knew,

I always knew,

but never for me,

save today

and he said, "why are you here, little one?

Have you grown? Or is it another trick?"

And I said, "yes." and "I’m sorry." and, "there’s nowhere else for me."

"Nowhere else, I think."

He didn’t argue

I stare at the mountains where the angry world used to burn into us

they look like molehills now

walk the beaches where the water is shallow

My footprints long since washed away

and no one to replace them.

They are only faded shadows,

grotesquely long

not solid enough

but I still see myself in them

when I tilt my head just right

Ashes, Ashes...

the first book to ever really get into my head was Jean Little's Mine For Keeps when I was probably around 9 or 10 years old. it was the first time I'd ever read about someone else with Cerebral Palasey, so I thought for sure that this book would be able to voice the way I felt, that this character would be comparable to me. It wasn't. In the first or second chapter, the character, Sally, is asked by her parents, to dress herself. Used to having people around to dress her, Sally immediately throws a tantrum and demands her family be more sensitive. How, she asks, is she to manage zippers, buttons and laces on her own? One of her parents, though I can't now remember which one, asked her quite calmly if she'd looked at the clothes, and when she took a close look she realized that there WERE no buttons or zippers or laces or even snaps on the clothes. I remember reading that scene and being horribly disgusted and disappointed in Sally. Not only for her reaction to her family's supposed insensitivity, but to her willingness to accept that she was incapable of something as basic as dressing. I understood, and still understand, where such a thing comes from. I didn't learn to brush my own hair til I was about 11 years old. I only learned because I was at summer camp, and the counsellours were busy with the less able-bodied kids, and honestly, my hair can be a bit like a brillo pad. So I thought maybe I could try. and when I came home after two weeks and showed my mother, she was so excited. over hair for god's sake.

the second book to really get to me, the first book ever to make me cry, was another Jean Little book called From Anna. in it, Anna is the youngest in a family of five, and the family is poor. Anna is legally blind and when her brothers and sisters decide to make christmas gifts for their parents, one of the kids says, "but what will Anna do? she can't make anything. she can't even see, and she's clumsy." and the oldest girl says, "oh don't worry. they wouldn't expect anything from Anna anyway." And Anna is heartbroken, and winds up making a present anyway, and making her brothers and sisters jealous, with help from her school. I understood Anna, as a kid. Anna was outspoken and creative and lived in her own little world, partly because she didn't have a place in this one, and partly because she just liked hers better. Sometimes I read magazine articles about parents deciding invisible friends are unhealthy for kids, that it means they are lonely and unhappy. It always shocks me that it doesn't occur to these so-called child experts, that instead of trying to force the child out into the world, maybe someone should ask what the child wants, and help them to get it, instead of forcing the child to accept that maybe what they want isn't out there.

i don't know why I bothered to explain that, except to say that lately I've been feeling more like Sally every day. Not out loud, because I'm not that kind of girl, but lately I've noticed that I've already figured out all the things I can't do, and people, like Anna's brother's and sisters, have accepted it for what it is. Humans take the path of least resistance every time. if there's nobody pushing you, you don't go anywhere. if there's nothing to remind you you can do more, or you want to do more, you won't. it's not just people with disabilities, although it's easier to see with someone with a disability. there have been people in my life who can't handle their fears, so they just call them limitations, decide they can't do anything about them, and find a way to work around them. and i have cut those people out of my life, not coldly or without regret, but effectively and efficiently. I can't respect people who are able to do that, I guess, partly because I'm biased, because of having to handle things that should not be my responsibility. but i still feel like a hypocrite. because i have done it too, because everyone does it. but i don't want to. so i'm going to talk about them. i'm going to get them out, because I don't like feeling like a hypocrite. because I don't want to be like Sally, who won't even look before deciding she can't handle the world, or like what Susan thinks I should be (when I asked Susan what to do about putting my hair up she said 'cut it off, that's easiest.'). so here goes.

1. everybody thinks because i can go to london by myself that i'm so brave. i'm terrified i'm going to die in this piddly little town, and everyone's going to say how i had such potential, but nobody's really going to be surprised.
2. everyone thinks the reason i don't date is because i'm asexual or because of my cp, but the truth is i'm just not a people person, and i don't want to disappoint someone i care about by not loving them as much as they love me. and i don't want to be insanely in love with someone and not even know it, and i wouldn't know.
3. i'm afraid my whole life will be defined by my CP, so I don't talk about it or think about it, and sometimes I get angry when other people don't think of it, not because I think it's insensitive, but I'm tired of having to defend myself. it's like living in Azkaban, having to replay the worst part of you over and over.
4. everyone thinks i take things like music and movies too seriously, but the truth is i'm just looking for a voice to say the things i can't, for someone that other people admire to finally agree with me.
5. i'm a total sucker and i will give you anything you could want or need. i don't do it because i want something from you, i just hate being useless.
6. sometimes i'm lonely and no one really knows why. i don't want a boyfriend, but it would be nice to be the person that someone thinks about first, just like that. i don't think i'm ever actually going to have that, and truth be told, i wouldn't know what to do if i had it.
7. everyone thinks i'm immature and look young. sometimes i act that way just so someone would look after me, and no one ever does. sometimes i act too mature because i want someone to notice. no one ever does.

so there you go. that's the truth, i'm stunted and fucked like everyone else. but i can say it. and not in a, "this is me, now deal with it" way. i'm working on this stuff, you know? i've been making new friends. I've been challenging myself. And I've been swallowing a lot of things that i used to not be able to handle. a couple weeks ago i worked a night shift by myself for the first time. when someone needed a cot, i got it. when someone needed something fixed, i fixed it. linda and i didn't think i could, but i did, is the thing. i had to, and i did. it's like that line from American Beauty, "it's a great feeling when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself."  and it's true, you know. i don't want to blame my lethargy on the school thing, because some of this stuff has been going on much longer, and some of it has been going on only recently. but someone told me that it would just keep getting harder as i got older, and i let it go, and tossed aside the stuff i decided wasn't worth fighting for. and i'm starting to wonder if maybe i was wrong to do that. i mean, yes, pick your battles, but when you look at it, there's nothing you can really let go of, and keep a clear conscious, knowing that you're doing the best you can, is there? i mean, i know i hold myself to a ridiculous standard, and i'm not saying it's okay for me to try to be pefect, because that's just unhealthy, but pretending you don't care about something just because you don't think you can deal with it is an insult to yourself. and there's enough people already thinking i'm incapable of this that and the other thing, and i don't need to give them an in, now do i?

i'm a good friend, i've been good to the people i love. but i can't be everything to everyone anymore. i accept that as a member of the disabled community, i am incapable of certain things. but the truth is, if all i ever aim for is to be doing good considering, well then i've gone as far as i can go, and i need more then that. i don't think i'm better then anyone else, but there are people in this world that i can't respect, because they have no self-respect of their own, and i can't stomach that. sometimes i get lonely and sometimes i don't like myself. but then, sometimes i'm not, and sometimes i do. i know i do my best to deal with things as they come up, and maybe i don't do as well as i could, but inch by inch i'm getting there.

last year someone asked me if i liked myself, and i realized i didn't know enough about myself to know, either way. nowadays, i'm still not sure if i like myself, but i don't hate myself, and i think i know myself a little better now. i'm getting there, anyway. not everyone's going to like the result, but if i can, eventually, that'll be okay, i think.

some people do, i think.

"rebecca," i said, "you have so many good plot devices going on here, you have prayers from your church, a brain tumour, a miraculous recovery, and a budding love story. you could do so much with this story and you chickened out and glossed over it." and she took it really well. she said that her teacher had really wanted her to wrap it up so she wasn't able to do all the things that she wanted to. and i kind of went all out. i told her that she couldn't be afraid to get down in there, couldn't be afraid of how long or how big the story was or what it did when it sort of went out of control, that she could be a really great writer if she really pushed the envelope and made things the way she saw them instead of doing the shorthand version and she looked at me with this amazed look on her face and said, "you could teach a class on this."

i couldn't, of course, and generally speaking i'm shit at taking my own advice but that spark, that need to get it out there, to explain to someone how important it was to tell the story, to tell it right, and to be yourself when you did it, to feel that and to feel someone UNDERSTAND that is a fucking beautiful thing. it's been so long since i really felt like myself, you know? and not just because of the not writing and not just because of the stuff that's been going down, but because i always feel the need to explain myself, to make people understand why i am the way i am and to not misconstrue things or see things that aren't there so they can ignore the things that are. i do so much to dumb myself down, because i have this idea that other people can't feel the way i can, not that they're dumber, but that if i don't explain it in some way more ordinary that they wouldn't be able to sympathise, that i would be on my own. but i CAN'T dumb this down, not this of all things because it's the important thing, there isn't anything that means more than those words and the reality of how much they mean to me.

i've spent my life lonely and miserable because i was convinced that the only things i wanted in the world weren't real, and talking to her, having someone who has missed out on so much understand, if not the ideas, how important the ideas WERE was like a shove. a friendly shove, the kind you get from your friends, the ones who ruefully tell you you're an asshole and try not to smile. it was like someone saying, "quit your bitching, okay? because this is real and it does mean something and you're a self-centred moron if you think you're the only person in the world to figure that out."

i don't actually know what, if anything, knowing that will change. i still don't know if i'll be able to write anything worthwhile til spring, but knowing that i know enough to help someone, that this is my thing, not just some hobby (because it's supposed to be the #1 hobby in the world, you know, everyone thinks they can do it.) is nice. it's not like i didn't already know i had something that other people didn't, i learned that when i was fifteen. but to know that after everything else that's gone horribly wrong, for all the opportunities i miss and the hell i put myself through, that it still means enough, that i'm still secure enough to share it, to want others to feel that way, to check the note of awe and jealousy when they can't... i don't know.

luke wants to write because he thinks it will make him rich and respected and give him something to do. for the last two years i've been trying to make a real go of it. i've been trying to treat it as a job. which means sometimes i hate it. and no, it hasn't escaped me that it makes me a better person, that it still makes me feel whole and real and like i've accomplished something and like what i'm doing matters... but sometimes i hate it. and sometimes i wonder what the hell i'm doing, and what kind of rights i have to think i can do it, and know it's not going to amount to anything, it's going to be another one in the bottom of a shoebox. and then my dad says how i'm not a real writer until i make money and it's not like i don't THINK about it, that glamourous life of meeting with producers and actually getting things done and actually making money, enough money at least that i don't have to worry every time i want to buy a DVD and concert tickets in the same month or two.

i guess what i'm saying is it's nice to know that in spite of how horrible it sometimes can be, especially in winter, and in spite of what people think of me, and of it, and in spite of having to defend myself, and being up and down like a yoyo on the whole thing virtually all the time, it's nice to know that it's not about that, that it's NEVER about that, even when that slips in and you catch yourself imagining cruising LA and vacationing in exotic places. even when i can't do it, when i slip and fall and hate myself and sabotage myself, that i still love it just as i always have and just as i always will, and i don't always have to explain that, that some people see me as the person i am, whether i want them to or not, whether i'm ready for them or not.

that's something i have to learn to swallow i guess. some people get it, some people don't. some people will understand me, and some people won't. and all i need to do is stop trying to be a writer and keep writing, because i am. i know i am, and the rest of the world doesn't mean half what knowing that does to me. i'm sorry if that makes me a bad person, but i'm not sorry i have it as much as i am knowing some people don't.

okay, so i'm about to write the biggest blog ever in my life because the concert was SO MUCH AWESOME HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS!!! but like, a lot of stuff had to happen, and it's all kind of confusing. so here goes. right, i woke up early all excited and rebecca got sick (dammit) and so we didn't actually GET to the venue til like 5 minutes before the doors open, and she had some errands to run and so just dropped me off, so she could sit in the back and stuff. damn again. so anyway, there i am in line and behind me are these girls who i just inserted myself into their conversation (i love this fandom! cuz you can totally do that!) and we're waiting and waiting and we finally get up near the doors and i'm freaking out thinking GOD I'M GOING TO HAVE SUCH A SHIT VIEW, and i had only brought shitty disposable cameras because i stupidly forgot my camera. and the cold and ohmygod the pain you guys, and i kept trying to block it out, you know, and i started getting nauseaous, like i do and i'm going, "oh HELL no." and trying to block THAT out, so i'm making it worse, so finally, my ears started getting fuzzy and i just go, internally, "fuck it." close my eyes and...

the next thing i remember is the taste of sidewalk salt and these kids in behind me going, "dude, what happened? who's she with? is she having a seizure?" yeah, i ACTUALLY passed out. so i get up and i'm all embarrassed, and everybody's asking me what's wrong and all i can say is, "circulation... pain... i just need..." and then we're going in. so i ended up having to sit for a while, which means i ended up further back then i would have liked. and seriously, stuff stopped sucking almost as soon as We The Kings came on. 

has anyone ever SEEN them live? they are so much awesome. do you know what i love? i love that they were the OPENING opening band, and the whole fucking crowd knew every single one of the songs they played. Travis said jump, and the freaking floor SHOOK you guys. AND I GOT THEIR ALBUM!!! it is so amazing. You cannot even IMAGINE the amazing. You must hear it!

Anyway, after them was Metro Station who... well they didn’t suck or anything, it’s just that there was this fucking annoying scene kid making a scene with his idiot friends, who kept shoving each other around so they could get more space, and they knocked me into this guy like 3 times because of course I couldn’t keep my balance, so i spent that whole portion sort of cowering and trying to resist the urge to trip the sonofabitch. They’re pretty good though, and not bad looking. Was pissed that the Cab was ill tho. They’re sort of decayDance mystery band, I’ve only heard three of their songs and finally get a chance to see them live and they’re sick! Or injured, i think someone was, that band is so confusing, what with their being 3 alexs and all. (Speaking of Alex... I’ll explain in a minute) so anyway, spent Metro Stations set cowering and generally being pissed off, and then... waiting waiting waiting...

Fortunately, annoying scene kid was further up ahead now (fucker) and I was able to see the show. And OHMYFUCKINGGOD. I seriously cannot describe for people who haven’t seen it. Here’s a clue. I love Ryland Blackington, so so very much and yet I COULD NOT FUCKING TAKE MY EYES OFF GABE FOR LIKE AN HOUR! Seriously, that man is I don’t even know on stage. He’s just so expressive and such a ham and just awesome. There was this moment that I swear was right out of a cultverse fic. He’s just looking out at the stage and holds his arms out, like, basking in adoration (the place was going nuts!) And then his arms go up and he’s got his fangs up and I looked around and everyone was giving it right back to him, including me and I just thought, "man, we are so completely fucked here." I seriously think that’s why Midtown didn’t work out for him. Because when Gabe tells you you should be depressed, you end up depressed and can’t come to a show. And when Gabe says FANGS UP you fucking DO IT okay? he’s just way to charismatic to pull of miserable, that’s what I think.

Talk of charisma, VickyT is so ridiculously pretty! I swear they named the tour after just her. Cuz as much as I could not look away from gabe and his creepy-sexy eyes, I am not blind, and every time victoria smiled my brain went like, "mmm, gabe whonow?" seriously you guys, i wish i was a boy. Or gay, either would work. I wish I could fully appreciate the hot, but ohmygod so PRETTY! So stupidly ridiculously PRETTY she is... also, she has to be made of like, stone or something, because gabe literally, in his own words "licked the fuck out of her neck." and seriously, if I had that nibbling on my ear every night, even I’d change my mind. WHY is there no het on the two of them? Seriously you guys! So hot! Somebody write me something, fuck! And every time someone would yell "we love you vickyt!" her face would just BEAM and like, what’s not to love seriously? I HAVE INSANE LOVE FOR HER!!! AND HER FREAKING KEYTAR!!!! also, she was standing next to alex, and you know what? Those two should also hook up in a fic somewhere. And have babies. Seriously, good genes. (And then alex can be the man in a fic and stop bitching... no he can’t, because VickyT could still kick his ass BECAUSE SHE IS SO AWESOME!!!!)

Oh yes, Alex, right. See, something seems to have occurred which I did not anticipate. In that, in actual fact, Alex Suarez is actually REALLYFUCKINGHOTOMG. When did this happen? I don’t remember this happening! I remember looking at him and going, "n’awww how cute is he! I want to hug him!" and I remember thinking he was awesomely hilarious when I found out he read slash (even funnier than gabe calling them love stories oh god.) But I do not remember when the smoking fucking HOT happened. Nevertheless it has, and Alex Suarez is one seriously sexy motherfucker (I don’t know, I don’t know!) And I am in actual fact in love with the whole damn band now, which sucks and also makes me look about 12 years old, it’s like playing Kiss Shag or Marry the whole time you’re watching, my god. And we all know who I’d marry...

RYLAND WAS HEADBANGING! It was so cool! Also, he’s funny, bonus! I don’t understand why Ryland is on one side of the stage and Alex was on another, given that they are bff and all, but I had a perfect view of both of them because I was on the Alex-side, and Ryland is freakishly awesomely tall, so I got to see Ryland rocking out and HE IS SO AWESOME! I told everyone I am totally going to marry him. and I will say it again I AM SO GOING TO MARRY RYLAND BLACKINGTON (only he doesn’t know it yet. Man, I hope he doesn’t have a gf who’s going to kick his ass now that we are engaged. Hey! Ryland’s possible girlfriend! It’s okay, I’m actually just a weird stalker fan who wants to steal him away from you. I haven’t... yet. Maybe he doesn’t have a gf and then I am talking to myself. Which would be crazy except aha! Now the way is clear!) Seriously Ryland, marry me, kay?

I feel bad for Nate though, cuz i couldn’t really see him where i was. I could BARELY see victoria, so i don’t know how many good pictures i got. DAMMIT cuz she’s so pretty... but i KNOW i didn’t get any of nate, which sucks. Poor nate gets no love! The drummer from Metro Station was in plain view but I don’t know, maybe it was the light. Maybe I got shots of Nate and didn’t even notice. Oh well anyway I’m pretty sure he rocked too because the whole thing was just that awesome!

And they played two accoustic songs. They played Pop Punk Is Sooo ‘05, which is my FAVORITE from the first album, and which they NEVER play and it was awesome, and Gabe played guitar (hamming it up and pretending to be embarrassed like he didn’t know how to play) and Being From Jersey Means Never Having To Say Your Sorry, and mentioned Midtown when he did it. He’s so cute too, he was like, "i have never got this much love as i have in Cobra Starship." (Mind, he was also talking about wanting love from all the moms in the audience, less than cute, but it DOES make me want to go out and get knocked up, y’know?)

So the show was AWESOME, and i really wanted to get awesome merch, but they were out of cobra rings and the Kiss My Sass hoodie was like $50 which i tragically didn’t have on me in cash, fuck. I got buttons, which were bonus, cheap, but not nearly as cool as the ring would have been (i could have bought a bartskull necklace and hung it on, how perfect would that be?) I hugged Travis from We The Kings, and gushed over his awesomeness. He was pleased, although I think a bit weirded out, cuz I had nothing else to say to him except, "ohmygod the awesome!" Then got out and got hopelessly lost because rebecca and i were seperated. Ray had to come and find me and I totally wanted to gush forever, but Rebecca totally didn’t understand the awesome of the Cobra (again, dammit). So no gushing, and we had dinner and went home and chatted a bit and went to sleep, so no time to compose blogs, either. And when i got home? I realized MY CAMERA WAS MISSING!!!! how shit is that? I have had rebecca looking for it, but so far, no luck.

Point is tho, in spite of all obstacles, it was AWESOME and i can’t wait to see them again! And again! And again and again! They are that freaking awesome! That is all.

In case I missed it, here are my top five favorite parts, in no particular order.

1. we get to the venue, and rebecca sees them lined up around the BLOCK and goes, "all this for Cobra Starship?" i find it adorable that she remains totally clueless about any of this, despite the fact that we have almost everything else in common.

2. i could have seen wrong, being further back then i would have liked, but i would almost swear one of those techs was wearing a Clan hoodie. Pete Wentz you guys! The real cultmaster!

3. Gabe’s total cultmaster face, standing on stage, lord of all he surveys, fangs proudly on display. He means those fangs you guys! And the weird thing is? He makes me mean them too! And whole rooms of people!

4. Victoria Asher’s smile. That’s all.

5. RYLAND FUCKING BLACKINGTON. Honestly, he is my future husband. Except like, he’s really tall. I’d have to get a step ladder.

6. Travis says, "Okay this is too cool. That girl over there just said ‘Travis I want your baby’ and i swear the one next to her just said, ‘I just want your crotch.’" I don’t honestly know, but it was the funniest thing ever.

7. I woke from my faint and asked if I had hit my head. Guy standing behind me said, "no, you landed on me." seven people let me ahead of them in line while i inched along, recovering, and once inside the club, i sat down and a strange girl asked me if i was okay. Then she goes, "Well obviously I guess, you’re here." seriously! People care! It makes me warm and fuzzy.

8. Gabe brings a girl up on stage and graciously lets her do the rap from Snakes on a Plane (and she was really good too!)

9. After the accoustic set, Gabe says they are bringing the sex back onto the stage, and then immediately calls for Victoria. Seriously! The het! Where is it?

10. Ryland hands his guitar to Gabe, all dramatic-sacrifice looking and goes, "take it, Gabe. Please." You had to see it to know how adorable it was. RYLAND!!!

11. The unexpected sexiness of Alex Suarez. Seriously guys, i know his name is hot but did he always look like that, or is this just because I’ve recently found out he can cook?

12. Gabe proclaiming his love for Gwen Stefani.

13. I CAUGHT CONFETTI! Okay, well no, not out of the air or anything, but i have it. it’s on my fridge!

14. They played my two favorite songs! Pop Punk... from the first and The World Has It’s Shine... from the second!

15. Gabe wishing happy birthday to a bunch of people. Like, not even just once, at LEAST three times.

And just like, every minute i happen to have missed? Would qualify as a favorite. Honestly, if you haven’t seen them live, you can’t even call yourself a fan. They are on a whole different plain live. Go see!

Mirror Ball Spinning

Sometimes I think about you all alone late at night in a room that isn't yours, with the light from the screen making you paler than you could ever be

in daylight

You never think of me.

It's not an accusation, some fault of yours, but it feels like one.

I don't know if you'd think of me, even if you could think of me. I don't know if you know

how important it would be to me if you did.

if you did,

I don't know if it would still be important to me.

Sometimes I still think of him,

lying in a room that is finally his, and maybe in love, and maybe happy, and maybe worried about

normal things,

the cost of gas, of rent, and food.

I love him for this normal

love him for having it if

it's what he wants.

I don't know what he wants

but he never wanted me

that's okay now.

it wasn't then, but it is now.

Funny how things work out, isn’t it?

I am never not thinking. I have tried that.

I am never not alone, and in being alone

I am never quite by myself.

Silence is not Golden

Golden is the sound of one voice in relative silence.

not my voice. Someone else’s.

I am afraid of what you might be,

alone.

I am afraid of what I would be if I were ever to give up on the notion that alone,

you are just like me.

I am not afraid of anything else

Well, okay

I am

But not like that.

At least I don’t think so.

I fear being more afraid than I am,

when I am afraid of that.

Isn’t it funny how things become suddenly integral parts of who you are

and what you want?

I suppose that’s what you do when you fall in love

I’ve never been in love, and the concept has seemed unappealing to me

until just this minute when I realized

that falling in love would be like thinking of you

only in stereo.

I still don’t think it’s worth the risk

but it no longer gives me a migraine

I used to think he was the same

like I think you are.

and I was wrong.

I don’t mind

but I was wrong.

You see?

No. Of course you don’t.